Saying goodbye to the old year and looking forward to a new story
I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions or turning of new leaves. The passing of a year, a decade, and even a millennium has never really phased me. Time flows continuously. I don’t work in cycles. This year, however, I am feeling the winds of change blowing on my face. Perhaps last year was particularly tumultuous and riddled with chaotic events. Maybe it is because I find myself living in a strange state of limbo (or purgatory?). Whatever the reason, my heart or my shoes, I sit here this New Year’s week hating the Whos… No wait – wrong story.
Change is definitely in the air. The first week of this new year brought a multitude of muddles and musings into my mind. I don’t need to recap the last year. Even the last month would be too much. Instead, I will look simply at what this first week of the year has thrown at me.
All this in a week – more or less
My firstborn son, at age 18, is married. To my step-daughter… who is now my daughter-in-law. How does that even happen?
I learned, to my great dismay, that computers don’t like eggnog. A simple gesture of goodwill, me trying to share the bounty of the holidays, and my laptop keyboard will no longer speak to me. Go figure.
I discovered that train travel is by far the most comfortable way to travel. It takes a little longer to make the trip down to Aberdeen, and requires someone to drive an hour to pick us up, but wow… You sure can’t beat being able to relax in a seat much wider than car, bus, or plane. The bathrooms are nice, there’s a dining car with a decent selection of food, and the staff so far have been really great! It is also the cheapest way to go if you can book ahead of time. It’s a win-win!
2 weeks away from home to visit home, and I came home to find our things rearranged and tidied. I appreciate the cleaning that was done (though it wasn’t really necessary in my opinion), but I now spend my days hunting for various things that have been displaced. One of the great joys of living at home is that it is made explicitly clear on a regular basis that this is not my home, but theirs. Right down to the drawers in my room, apparently.
My 6-year-old son declared me a pie-master. “If there was a pie-making contest, she’d win!” Score!!
We have a critter in our midst. Perhaps critters. Small furry lightening-fast critters. They don’t like Cheese Whiz. I’m hoping they are more appreciative of ju-jubes.
Looking ahead with trepidation
Gradually I find my community here. This is a mixed blessing. My life here is temporary. Connections are made with hesitation. It needles me that I have more new friends here than I made in 4 years in Aberdeen. I watch Hanah building her tribe and wonder if I am making things harder for her. She seems to have stronger friendships here as well.
I am reminded daily of my purpose here. My dad drifts further and further into a blur of confusion, repetition, and lost memories. I play my role of undercover freeloader, but standing back to watch my parents muddle through their days is difficult. I step in more often, and dad steps back more often to let me move in. He is increasingly aware of his diminishing capacities.
The children are having trouble with the separation. It is hardest on them because they cannot understand the need. How do you justify the distance to 6-year-olds? They are resilient. In the end, this will make them stronger. That is what we must tell ourselves.
Rain brings rainbows
In this home that is not home, surrounded by doubts and concerns, I am oddly optimistic. I feel like things are changing, and that the tides are ready to move in my favour. The clouds are still looming, but they feel thinner somehow. In the darkness, I can begin to discern shapes. The light is coming. My time is coming. I’m getting ready to fasten my seatbelt. It’s time.
I have been accepted into an online internship program which I have high hopes for. It may all be a ruse – providing free services to a well-established blogger and online business guru. I will stick to my optimism however, and do my best to learn the tricks of the trade, and hopefully figure out how to make more of myself in this interwebbed world.
I finally have an iMac (thanks to my laptop’s aversion to eggnog). It is older than ideal but much more than what I had (no offence little laptop). This is my gap computer, to tide me over until I find my success and have the ability to buy a fancy new one.
My initial feeling that I don’t like my new general physician has changed. In his weirdly aloof way, he is thorough and is looking into my various chronic issues. We might find out what is actually going on. I feel like I am finally taking the reins and gaining some control over my life.
All the rain of late is washing the grime and grit of last year away. Now I watch the sky for my rainbow. And snow. Definitely snow. That would be awesome! Don’t judge – I live on the west coast and we don’t have real winter.
The winds of change are blowing, and I’m ready. Bring it on!