Can Children Have Too Many Moms?

“How many moms does he have?”

I picked up our 2-year-old from daycare the other day, which is an unusual occurrence. He was sitting at the table with two of his teachers, helping them fold some towels when I arrived. As soon as he saw me standing in the hallway he lit up with a giant smile.

“Mommy!”

One of the other boys turned around, expecting to see his ‘mom’. His brow wrinkled with confusion when he saw me instead.

“How many moms does he have?” he asked.

The teachers laughed (a little nervously?) and avoided the question by commenting that all the teachers were ‘like moms’ to all the kids. There is no easy answer for us though. Our family has a lot of mom-ish figures. Sometimes I wonder if there are too many.

Technically, I’m Mommy and my partner is Mom. That distinction started with my daughter when she was 2, who probably picked up on her big brothers calling me Mommy and my partner’s daughter calling her Mom. The little boys picked it up from her when they joined our family 2 years ago, and we’ve never had any problems. There are also three other Mamas, two biologically connected and one not, who aren’t a regular part of any of the kids’ lives, but Nanny and an Auntie share in the upbringing so are also very mom-ish.

Do too many cooks really spoil the broth?

Spoil is too strong a word, but having too many moms can make parenting even more challenging than it already is.  There is supposed to be a general hierarchy among all the mothers and motherly types.  We also have the overriding rule that whoever is in charge of the caregiving at any given time is the boss. This sometimes puts the teenagers in parent-mode, adding yet another mom-ish (and one dad-ish) role to the mix. Inevitably, our lines of authority sometimes clash.

I believe in one golden rule of parenting. Never contradict each other in front of the children. Because of this, I try to keep my mouth shut even if I don’t agree with how someone is dealing with the kids. Sometimes I may think someone is being a bit too strict, or not strict enough. It is not always easy, and I admit sometimes I slip if I think someone is letting the kids get away with too much (I can handle too strict but not the other way). With so many mom-figures in the kids’ lives though it’s hard to get everyone on the same page with both discipline and this golden rule of situational authority.

If I had to pick one thing that made my job of raising children difficult, I wouldn’t even hesitate before answering. Nothing undermines parental authority and gives children fuel for further misbehavior or stubbornness more than an adult voice contradicting the situational voice of authority.

Mikey, face the table and eat please.

{He’s just trying to see the tv.}

Finish your dinner hunny.

{She’s eaten a lot of her pasta already.}

Hey! No running in the house!

{He’s just excited.}

Why is it such a big deal? Kids learn from their environment. If one parent tells them that they have to sit down, but another suggests that maybe they don’t have to, what do they learn? They learn to question authority and further test their boundaries.

I understand that different parents/caregivers have different rules, but that isn’t my point. It’s one thing for Mikey to learn that Mommy insists that he sit properly at the table but Grandma lets him watch television while he eats. If Grandma argues on his behalf after Mommy has said no, however, he learns that Mommy’s decisions may not be final and arguing is ok.

I try to follow the law of first voice. Whoever speaks first has the authority. This means I have to bite my tongue if someone has told the kids to “just give me 5 more bites” of dinner or promised them one more episode of How to Train Your Dragons even though it’s already past their bedtime. It isn’t easy. I’m guilty of giving the over-exaggerated sigh or the raised eyebrows of ‘are you kidding me?!’, but I try to keep my comments to myself, at least until after the kids are out of earshot.

Parenting is hard.

Co-parenting in a blended family is harder. Mass-parenting in a very close-knit multi-generational extended family is exhausting. Is there such a thing as too many moms? I don’t know. I’ll tell you one thing though: our kids are more loved by more people than they will ever really understand or appreciate. On one hand that makes them very fortunate. On the other hand, well… I guess we will find out in a decade or two. Any of you who think your one and only mother was a pain, try having 5 or 6. You may get a whole new perspective.