How to Really Hear your Teenager

If you have a teenager in your home, there’s a good chance you’ve heard some version of “You never listen to me!” or “Why do I even try to talk to you?”  I’m going to guess that it was followed by either a dramatic storming out of the room or a spectacular slamming of a bedroom door.  I’d even go so far as to speculate that you felt a bit (or a lot) dumbfounded because you really thought you were listening.  So, what exactly went wrong?

“Why do I even try to talk to you?”

In our uniquely blended family, I have an advantageous position.  I came into my 17-year-old (step) daughter’s life only a few short years ago, so for the most part, I am still the cool mom, and the go-to mom for advice on the wide array of womanly issues facing a young adult as she navigates the volatile seas of high school and adolescence.  One reason for the natural role of ‘motherly’ mom falling on me is the simple fact that my partner, her ‘real’ mom, is a self-proclaimed “cowboy stuck in a woman’s body”.  As such, there’s not a lot of motherly instinct floating around in there.  If we need a new faucet in the shower, sheetrock in the new bedroom, or cabinets in the kitchen, she’s our ‘man’; for feminine sanitary products, make-up, or skin care, not so much.  Aside from that, however, there is a larger, more valid reason our daughter comes to me.  I listen.

“Wait – Stop right there.” (This is her mom interjecting defensively). “I listen.  I listen to her all the time.”

Let me back up and rephrase.  It isn’t just that I listen.  It’s that I hear her.

I’m in the background a lot in our house, especially where our daughter is concerned.  As her ‘real’ mom, Dar does get a lot more of the daily chit-chat than I do.  Dar gets the goodnight hugs and Dar is the one to crawl into bed with her in the middle of the night when she has trouble sleeping.  If she has a bad day at school, isn’t enjoying her classes, or wants to rant about how rude someone was to her at the mall, Dar is usually the one she will automatically talk to.  I’m not bothered by this.  For many years, it was just the two of them, so it is natural.  As a result, I’m often a silent spectator to the conversations and subsequent angry frustrated flare-ups so common in the teenage years.

Sometimes you need to be standing a few steps back, watching a scene from a different angle, to really see and understand a problem.   In the thick of a confrontation, we are too close and too involved to really understand.  We get defensive.   From my outside perspective, it’s actually fairly obvious what mistakes are being made.

So what is the problem?

Simply put, very often even when we think we are listening to our teenagers, they feel like we aren’t really hearing them.

What does that mean?  How can we listen but not hear?

Sometimes, or maybe often is a better word, what your teenager wants and needs you to do is simply shut up and listen.  If they are venting about a teacher at school that is ‘stupid’, a subject that is ‘dumb’, or kids in their class that ‘just need to go away’,  you need to shut your mouth.  Hold back that urge to scold them about how it is inappropriate to talk about a teacher like that.  Bite your tongue on your advice to give it some time or just do their best.  Swallow the need to tell them to try to see things from a different perspective.  Don’t say any of that, no matter how encouraging or supportive you think you can be.

It’s ok important to just let them vent

What your teenager needs from you is an open ear.  They need to know that no matter what their opinions are about something or someone, you are there to listen to them.  They aren’t coming to you for advice at this point, unless of course they actually ask for it, which may come at a later stage but only if you learn to master the first step of non-commental listening.

When teens are in their venting stage, they are in the process of sorting through a myriad of feelings, thoughts, and emotions in their rapidly growing and changing adolescent minds.  Did you know that the teenage brain undergoes massive restructuring during, and for a number of years after, the pubescent years?  Connections to logical behavior that have been in place for years will suddenly disappear in order to make room for different and increased connections.  I once read that at certain points in a teenager’s mental and emotional development stage, a 5-year-old child could very likely show better judgment than the teenager.  Needless to say, your feelings that your teen isn’t quite connected or shows the common sense of a snail determined to cross a 4-lane highway, might actually be more accurate than you think.

There is a lot going on in their brains, and I’m not talking about the latest fashions or the new boy in their science class.  On top of this major re-wiring of their neural systems, they are also struggling to categorize, decipher, and manage a tempest of emotions, opinions, and growing levels of responsibility in their daily lives.  Just like machinery that regulates pressure through a complex system of seals and valves, the teenage brain maintains a delicate balance of stress and release.  There comes a point when it is necessary to open a valve.  When your teenager is in a venting mood, they are literally letting go of some of the steam from their highly pressurized minds.  If you try to manage it, redirect it, or heaven forbid patch it up, you are at risk of being on the receiving end of a very messy explosion.

From listening to hearing

So if we’ve established the understanding that when your teenager does actually open up to talk, you need to keep quiet and listen, without trying to soothe, solve, or seal, what is it that we are supposed to do?  Here are some general guidelines:

Give your undivided attention

I know that this sounds like a no-brainer, but there needs to be a conscious ( and visible) decision to completely focus on your teen.  If you make a point of setting your phone down, preferably screen-side down, on a side table or shelf, your teen will get the clear message that you are really ready to listen.  We are all quick to criticise teenagers for having their noses buried in their phones 24/7.  If we look around though, there are just as many if not more adults who seem unable to part from their devices for the duration of a conversation.  So put down your phone (and not just in your lap – put it away), turn off the TV, or shut the laptop.  Do something that visibly tells your teen that you are giving them your complete and undivided attention.

Be supportive without taking over

Just because you should hold back your desire to jump into the conversation and add your thoughts, opinions, or advice, that doesn’t mean that you have to hold a poker-face and stay silent.  Facial expressions can go a long way (in both good and bad directions).  Try to look interested, even if you aren’t.  They will sense it if you are bored with their ramblings.  When they reveal their inner thoughts to you, they are opening themselves up and showing you their vulnerable soft-spots.  Even if you disagree with what they are saying or their attitude about the issue at hand, nod your head with understanding.  Right now, your job is just to acknowledge that these are their feelings, and whether you like them or not, their feelings are valid.  To take this even further, there are comments you can make that don’t commit you to an agreement but still show understanding.

• “I can see how that would be frustrating.”
• “That would bother me too.”
• “I remember having a teacher like that once.”

Remember that what may not seem serious to you is serious to them

Everything that happens in young people’s lives is serious to them.  They don’t have decades of life experience to help them decide what is a big deal and what isn’t, or what will affect them years down the road and what won’t.  That is all stuff that they will learn, eventually, and trying to tell them now how their experiences should or shouldn’t affect them is a recipe for disaster.  It will also lead them to decide not to talk to you about something the next time.  At this point in their lives, everything is important.  Everyone, even people you might feel are completely unconnected to them, is part of their world and potentially has a profound effect on them personally.  This is why we need to let them hash through their feelings out loud in a safe environment.  By safe, I  mean safe from criticism, correction, or contradiction.

Say less to hear more

If you can learn to master this, the art of hearing and not overactively or passively listening, you might be pleasantly surprised at how much more your teenager will communicate with you.   You may even find that they begin to come to you and actually ask for your advice.  They will let you know when they are ready for you to encourage them to do their best, help them see a different perspective, or simply file something away as irrelevant.

Basically, we need to let them learn on their own.  Sure, there are situations we need to warn them about or drastic decisions that we hope to steer them away from.  For the most part, their daily struggles are the types of things that we can (and should)  let them work through on their own.  They aren’t robots or computer systems that we can simply program our advice into as parameters for thought and behavior.  They are real people who do truly want to learn.   The way to ensure that they learn well and in a way that will help them create a database of cause and effect knowledge is to let them do the dirty work themselves.  If we don’t, they might not learn the valuable lessons of action and consequence, because whatever happens (good or bad) will be attributed in their minds to your decisions and not their own.  Worse than that, if we don’t show them that we are able to hear them, they might simply stop trying to talk.