I thought I’d hit midlife crisis 5 years ago, when I made the decision to pack up my life and my children and leave my husband of 16 years. Now I wonder if that was simply another transition in life, and what I’m experiencing now is the true midlife crisis. Is there even such a thing? Or are we perhaps simply following the modern trend to put a label on every feeling and experience we have, to somehow justify ourselves?
Cobwebs In the Corners
I spent half an hour lying on the floor tonight, staring at the ceiling and contemplating the cobwebs. There are a lot of them up there. In our defense, the ceilings are close to 10′ high, and at a personal height of 5’2 I’m not prone to looking that far up most of the time.
How I ended up on the floor isn’t a very exciting story. I was looking for a box of random stuff under my desk. There are quite a few boxes of random stuff under there – it is my unofficial storage space – but not the one I was looking for. After I’d gotten everything stashed back away, down seemed easier than up so I stretched out on my back on the floor.
Worried at first that my partner might express some concern, I pieced together some excuses for my floor-bound self. The hard floor was great for stretching my back out. I was just too tired to get up. Perhaps the most honest reason – I just couldn’t do any more and was floored by a wave of despair. I needn’t have bothered. Nobody noticed. Or perhaps nobody cared. I’m not even sure which.
Existential Thoughts from the Floorboards
As I stared at the cobwebs, feeling as isolated as those dusty strings, the thought occurred to me that this might be midlife crisis. Did the cobwebs feel rejected to go unnoticed? Were they failing to fulfill their purpose in life if nobody cared that they existed? If I lay on the floor without drawing any attention or concern, was I truly a person of any value?
Were the cobwebs real? Was I real? Am I a cobweb in the lives of the people around me, simply clinging to the corners gathering dust as I scream to be noticed?
Wait – cobwebs don’t scream.
Ok, so I’m not a cobweb. Being ignored is hardly my problem either. Most days I’m doing all that I can to get out of everyone’s notice for a few moments of quiet. Maybe then, I’m simply lying on the floor because it feels good (it IS stretching my back out nicely) and I am just too lazy to get up.
Yappari Midlife Crisis
As I suspected, or yappari as the Japanese say, this does feel like some level of midlife crisis. It may be my second run through. Is that even fair? Shouldn’t we only have to do this once? I do know that I’m in a slump. Every day I am plagued by feelings of inadequacy and failure.
Really, there has to be something amiss to lead to a full half hour lying prone on the floor, right?
I decided I must be depressed. I know I have gone through bouts of mild depression in the past. My doctor once suggested trying out medication. I ignored him. To be honest, I think I come about it fairly. There is a huge amount of stress in my life, I’m isolated from my friends and family, and life in general right now is overwhelming.
Cue the Zombies
Lying on the floor, thoughts flitting from cobwebs to midlife crisis, my romantic hopes of eliciting cries of concern from my partner were crushed by the raspy hissing of the zombie apocalypse. With a sigh I realized I could remain in place for another hour completely unnoticed. Once the zombies came, all else faded away.
I could get upset or even offended to be a zombie widow. I think I have been at times. Now I am resigned to the fact. In the grand scope of things, my feelings are superficial. How bad could things really be for me, after all? The zombie apocalypse is bad. My family and friends are far away, but they haven’t been eaten. My life is stressful, but at least I don’t have to bash any undead brains in to keep my kids safe.
I’m not into zombies. I don’t do guts and gore, and I think the whole Walking Dead series is dull and lifeless (pun somewhat intended). The zombies did get me off the floor though, so I guess they have some merit.